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Dealing with High-Conflict People: Use the C.A.R.S. Method to Mitigate High-Conflict Behavior, with Bill Eddy, Lawyer, Therapist and Author, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
The CARS method is basically an approach that’s easy to remember – C – A – R – S. And it basically fits the problems of high conflict people. So first of all they have a hard time connecting with people. They tend to see all relationships as adversarial. So if you’re the person in a relationship with them and I’m not saying you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them but manage it. Especially say they’re a family member or neighbor or something like that is try to connect with them. With a statement that shows empathy or pay attention in some respect it tends to calm them. The second is to analyze. Get them thinking, analyzing options. High conflict people are stuck. They don’t see choices. They’re stuck on one thing. So you want to open that up. Get people thinking. Third is responding to hostile emails or misinformation and so the way to respond because they’re hostile is not to be hostile back. Then the last is setting limits. This may be the hardest area because they don’t stop themselves so the people around them are going to set limits with them. And so setting limits basically in a matter of fact way by talking about policies, rules, what I can do, what I can’t do makes it connect better with them. So CARS, C – A – R – S, addresses each of their biggest problem areas.
Let’s take an example of a narcissistic supervisor at work. So they may be arrogant, trying to put themselves up by putting you down. So even though this is the last thing you feel like doing try to connect with them by giving them a statement that shows empathy, attention and/or respect. Narcissists really like respect so if there’s something you respect about the person say that, you know, I thought you did a great job leading that meeting last week. Or thanks for that little piece of advice you gave me a couple of weeks ago or something like that. So connect with them. Then look at choices. First of all you have choices. You could decide to work somewhere else rather than working for a narcissistic boss or you might decide I’m going to stick it out until I get a better options somewhere else. So remind yourself you have choices and analyze what some of those are. Sometimes writing a list of your choices so that you don’t feel trapped in the job. But you might even give choices to the narcissistic boss. If they say look, do this, do that, do that you might say hey boss, thanks. I get it that you want all of those things but I’m going to need you to prioritize them because I can’t do them all this week. So what would your top priority be. Get them thinking with their brain. That’s the analyzing.
Respond to misinformation. All of the high conflict personalities often distort things and exaggerate. So a narcissist might say you’re doing a terrible job and I’m doing a wonderful job. Well the narcissist often isn’t doing a wonderful job but don’t let them walk around telling other people you’re doing a terrible job. You may want to correct that like in an email or something saying I’m up to date on this project. We’re coming along okay. And then the last is setting limits. You can say I can’t talk about that right now or I hear you and I respect your concerns but I can only do this much. And so setting limits. And sometimes that’s how you know if you want to stay in that job or have to leave. If you can set limits with a narcissist while connecting with respect, et cetera, maybe you can stay in that job. If the narcissist can’t handle that, that may be a sign it’s time to leave. So that’s an example of how to use connecting, analyzing, responding and setting limits with a narcissistic high conflict personality.