This content is locked. Please login or become a member.
Building Relationships Through Likability: Listen to Understand (The 3 Levels of Listening), with Michelle Lederman, Connection Instigator and Author, The 11 Laws of Likability
The Law of Listening is “Listen to understand”. People hear best when they feel heard. So if you want to be understood, you have to seek first to understand, as I borrow from Covey. There are three levels of listening, and we need all three to come in and out of our interactions to really enhance the exchange.
Level 1: Listen from the inside
Level 1 Listening is listening from the inside. This is listening from my perspective, and this is where we listen 80 percent of the time. It’s fine, it’s okay. You’re not a bad person if you listen from the inside. What you’re really doing is saying, “Oh, you had that experience? Me too.” And now we form some type of connection, that “Me too, You too” feeling. So, “My favorite color is blue”. “Me too”. And it is about me, but it’s trying to form those connections. So we’re taking whatever somebody is saying, and we’re trying to put it into our world, and how does it apply to us.
Level 2: Keep your focus on the speaker
Level 2 Listening is keeping the focus on the speaker. This is where we’re going to use probative questions to learn a little bit more about the reasoning behind something that they shared. Instead of bringing it back to us when they say, “My favorite color is blue”, you would say to them, “Oh, why do you like blue? Or what do you like about blue?” And we’re focusing and trying to learn more about their reasoning for something. Level 2 Listening is just trying to put that inquiry first and continue to gather more information. Don’t make it an interrogation. Don’t machine gun questions at them, but be probative.
Level 3: Listen intuitively
Level 3 Listening is something that we can’t do all the time, and you often can’t do upon first meeting, because it could be off-putting. Level 3 is intuitive listening. This is where we’re listening with our eyes as well as our ears. We’re reading somebody’s body language or just getting a vibe or taking something in, and we are building a conclusion and sharing it back. Now with Level 3 Listening, you have to be careful not to assume that your conclusion is correct.
So you might say, “I’m getting the sense that blue is very calming for you. You seem to relax and exhale. Is that why you love the color blue?” And so you’re taking information and you’re letting somebody know that you’re really trying to understand, and that you’re trying to tune into them. Now, favorite color is not so off-putting. When you go onto other subjects, it can be a little bit personal. And so you have to make sure that you’re choosing the appropriate times and the appropriate people to listen intuitively to.
When we think about how to get what you want, that’s why listening is important. Because the best way to get what you want is to figure out why someone else wants you to have it. And that’s why you have to put inquiry ahead of advocacy. Inquiry is understanding somebody else’s reasoning for something, what’s important to them, what concerns them. Whereas advocacy is, “Here’s what I want, and here’s why I want it”.
Instead of, “Here’s what I want, and here’s why I want it”, start with: “Here’s how I think what I want can solve what you need”. And if you position your request based on their interests, that’s how you get what you want. That’s just one thing listening can do for you.