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Three Indicators of Presence
When people are present in a social interaction, you can tell. You may not be conscious of what it is you’re noticing, but you’re picking up on some things. The first is that they clearly believe their story. They buy what they’re selling. They truly buy what they’re selling. You wouldn’t buy anything from somebody who wouldn’t buy what they’re selling, right. You would never do that. Although we’ve all probably been in situations where we’ve had to try to sell something that we don’t really believe in. So when people are present they are attuned to their true beliefs and values and abilities, and so they can really believe their story and people see that. Investors see that. That’s one of the cues that investors really look for when they’re looking at pitches. If you say, what are you looking for? What cues are you looking for when you’re judging pitches? They don’t say “someone who’s totally calm.” They say “someone who believes their story.”
And that takes us to the next one, if you think about investors. They’re not looking for someone who’s 100% confident in the alpha way. They want somebody who’s confident, but not arrogant. So when you’re truly confident, you don’t need to be arrogant. Arrogance is really just a smokescreen for insecurity. It’s something that people put up when they don’t want to be challenged. It works in that moment, but it’s not a sustainable strategy. If you communicate arrogance and you leave that situation, the people who you talked to probably aren’t going to like you a whole lot. Maybe you weren’t challenged in that moment, but you also didn’t get the desired outcome. True confidence allows you to be open to what other people are saying. So if you’re bringing in an idea that you really care about, you should want that idea to be as good as possible – so you should want to be open to constructive feedback. People want to work with you if they see you as a collaborator, not someone who’s trying to say “I have all the answers.”
The third thing that you see when somebody’s present is what I call synchrony across the verbal and non-verbal channels. And what I mean by that is, when we are being authentic and present–and you can think of it as when we’re telling the truth–our words match our body language. When you’re telling the truth you’re not having to manage all these things in a piecemeal way. So you’re not having to say, well I’m telling a happy story so I better smile and lean forward and move a lot and look happy. You’re just doing those things naturally. When you’re lying or being inauthentic because you’re scared to show people who you are, you’re trying to communicate something that’s not exactly real. The story that you’re telling is not going to match what you’re doing with your body language because you don’t have the cognitive bandwidth to manage all of those different elements. Think about it – you’ve got words, you’ve got tone of voice, how quickly are you talking, I mean we’re still just at speaking. Then you have your eyes and the rest of your face, what are you doing with your lower body, your arms, your feet. All of those things come together when you’re telling the truth. When you’re being inauthentic, it leaks out. Somewhere there is an asynchrony, and when you are not being present it leaks out in the same way.
How to Spot a Liar
If you ask people, “How do you know if somebody’s lying?”, they will say eye contact. It turns out that eye contact is not a good way to know if somebody is lying. There are big personality differences. Some people don’t want to make eye contact when they’re being challenged or questioned, but that doesn’t mean they’re lying. There are cultural differences. In some cultures, children are taught that you don’t ever look up at or make eye contact with somebody who’s questioning you. So it’s just not a good cue. And in fact, there’s no single body language cue that gives away lying. There’s no “Pinocchio Effect.” The nose doesn’t grow – there’s nothing like that. What tells you if somebody’s lying is if their words don’t match what they’re doing with their body. Or if they’re communicating two really conflicting emotions at one time. One place where you can really look for authenticity in how people present themselves is in political debates and political speeches. I think that our political system is set up to encourage candidates to lie, to almost force them to over-promise. Candidates and politicians can’t really promise to do anything because it’s not up to only them. Given the gridlock that we’re dealing with, who can promise anything? And you see that, by the way. If somebody’s promising to do something that has to do with policy, you see the awkwardness. You see the leaks. You see that they don’t fully believe what they’re saying. It’s not as if you look at a candidate and say, they’re non-verbals and verbals are not aligned and that’s how I know they’re inauthentic. But you definitely feel it. And you have this visceral “I didn’t like that, and I don’t know why.” Now, when the words really match what’s happening with the body, you don’t necessarily have to agree with what the candidate is saying. But what can you infer from that is that this is what this candidate cares about. So even if he or she can’t promise to get it done, you know that this is the thing this candidate is going to prioritize.