How to give compliments and criticism for a happier work life
- The quality of our relationships depends on the ratio of praise to criticism that is exchanged.
- The only way to flourish in a culture of criticism is to adopt new habits of getting and giving feedback.
- Done well, words of praise can be a soothing balm for human relations at home and at work.
We all love to criticize. Unfortunately, we also hate being criticized. That leads to a happiness problem in the giant, constant, panoramic review that is the experience of modern life. We post and comment on others with abandon, but feel aggrieved at the way others assess us, both online and in person. The world seems unlikely to change anytime soon. Fortunately, though, each of us can change how we give and take criticism, in ways that will make us less likely to harm others, more immune to taking offense, and better able to benefit from feedback — even when it is negative.
Just as important for getting along with others is the ability to give compliments. The quality of our relationships, in fact, depends on the ratio of praise to criticism that is exchanged. The people we deal with, at work and at home, will not only flourish if we provide a good proportion of positive feedback along with occasional corrections: They are also more likely to perform well, succeed — and like us.
How to get and give critical feedback
Some people react more negatively than others to criticism. People most sensitive are those who score low in self-esteem and high in neuroticism, who are fearful of negative evaluation, and who are generally pessimistic. This isn’t too surprising, in that those already high in negative emotion will feel worse than average about being confronted with negative feedback.
Competitiveness turns out to matter a lot as well: Research from 2012 showed that highly competitive people tend to work harder after receiving destructive feedback, but their performance suffers. One explanation for this may be that competitive people angrily want to prove the critic wrong, as opposed to carefully trying to better themselves. The culture of criticism, abetted by new technology, isn’t going away. The only way to flourish in it, and despite it, is to adopt new habits of getting and giving critical feedback. The research offers us several rules for doing just that:
1. It’s not personal (even when it’s personal)
When we receive criticism, we make it personal in two ways. First, we may naturally analyze the critic rather than the criticism. Second, we tend to consider the criticism a judgment on our inherent abilities, rather than on our performance. The solution is to set up an internal affirmation such as: “I don’t care what this feedback says about the person giving it, and I choose not to see it as a personal attack on me. I will assess it on its face about the matter at hand — nothing more, nothing less.” This won’t save your feelings entirely, of course, but it is a helpful metacognitive approach — one that moves the focus from emotion to analysis. That enables you to judge the information on its merits (or lack thereof), as you would if it were about someone else.
2. Treat criticism like insider information
Once you depersonalize criticism in this way, you can start to see it for what it is: a rare glimpse into what outsiders think about your performance, and thus a potential opportunity to correct course and improve. Studies of student performance have shown that those who learn to use feedback actively tend to get better grades and have better study habits. If this doesn’t come easily to you, one way to develop the grit to do so is to ask friends or colleagues whom you like and trust to form a critics’ circle, reviewing one another’s work and giving honest suggestions.
Remember the gift/weapon rule: If I am criticizing to help, I am doing it right; if I am doing it to harm, I am doing it wrong.
3. Make criticism a gift, never a weapon
We all have to dispense criticism from time to time. The key is to remember the gift/weapon rule: If I am criticizing to help, I am doing it right; if I am doing it to harm, I am doing it wrong. Research tells us that it should have five elements: the care of the recipient in mind; respectful delivery; good intentions; a pathway to improvement; and appropriate targeting of the recipient’s needs. This is a lot to hold in your head.
4. Praise in public, criticize in private
This rule is commonly attributed to the legendary football coach Vince Lombardi, who used it to motivate players. Research suggests that his intuition was correct: Scholars writing in 2014 showed that positive feedback given to students in public was 9 percent more motivating than when given privately, while negative feedback in private was 11 percent more motivating than in public.
The soothing balm of a compliment
Just as giving constructive criticism is no straight-forward matter and requires skills and knowledge, so it is with compliments. Done well, words of praise can be a soothing balm for human relations at home and at work. But done poorly, compliments can be ineffective, even destructive.
Researchers have found that on the highest-performing corporate teams, members gave 5.6 compliments for every criticism of their peers. On the lowest-performing teams, that ratio was upside down, with 2.8 criticisms per compliment.
Researchers have found, for example, that on the highest-performing corporate teams, members gave 5.6 compliments for every criticism of their peers. On the lowest-performing teams, that ratio was upside down, with 2.8 criticisms per compliment.
This effect seems to apply not just in a business environment but in personal partnerships. According to the Gottman Institute, a project by two academic psychologists to improve relationships, happy couples’ “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions (a negative interaction being one involving critical, dismissive, or defensive behavior) is 5 to 1.What follows is a research-based guide to giving compliments right.
1. Be honest
Remember that compliments generally get rejected when they are not credible or sincere; in other words, when they are perceived as dishonest. This is not to say that you are a dishonest person — just that you might be motivated to dole out praise strategically or perhaps because you have a habit of flattering people. Either way, your compliments are unlikely to be believed by a well-adjusted person, and that will hurt your believability overall. Before delivering a compliment, ask yourself: Do I truly believe what I am going to say to this person? If not, refrain. If so, proceed to the second rule.
2. Make your compliment a pure gift
A common reason to compliment someone is to induce them to reciprocate in some way. Psychologists have shown that it works: When people participating in an experiment were complimented by a stranger and then asked for a favor, they were more likely to comply than when not complimented, because, the researchers posited, of the human urge for reciprocity. People recognize what is going on, however, because the same experiment showed that the compliment did not increase any liking for the stranger or induce a positive mood in the recipient. So, for a compliment to be honest, make it with nothing asked or expected in return. (And when you are praised by a stranger and then asked for a favor, don’t reward this disingenuousness.)
3. Avoid qualification
After he turned a certain age, an older friend told me that he tended to get two kinds of compliments: either “You’re looking well for your age” or “You look a lot better than [some mutual acquaintance who was also elderly].” He hated both. The first meant he looked old; the second put him above someone else. This encapsulates well what the research confirms: Comparing a person with someone else or with a standard benchmark is perilous at best and destructive at worst. A favorable comparison will make someone who is humble feel uncomfortable. And if the comparison appears unfavorable, the compliment will backfire.
