What if every argument you’ve ever “won” actually cost you something way more valuable? Whether that be respect, connection, or trust, lawyer and author Jefferson Fisher argues that when you try to control the conversation, you end up losing something far more important.

Instead of fighting to be right, Fisher invites us to unravel the tension of disagreement and examine the real triggers that lie beneath.

JEFFERSON FISHER: When you set out to win an argument, you lose the relationship. You won the argument. You said the thing. The other person backs off. Congrats. What did you win? You won awkward silence. You won their contempt. You won the first to apologize. When you win an argument, you will lose their confidence, you will lose their respect, you will lose the connection. Instead of seeing arguments as something to win, I want you to see them as something to unravel.

Let's say there's a string between me and you. We're arguing about something, and I say, "No, you have to go with my way." And you say, "No, you have to go with my way." Because there's a knot. There's an issue, a struggle in front of us. The harder I pull and the harder you pull, the tighter that knot becomes. You know people that haven't spoken to someone in years because of how hard and for how long they pulled on an argument. So when you find ways to try and unravel it, the better communication you're going have, the better relationships you're going to have.

My name is Jefferson Fisher. I'm a board-certified trial attorney from Texas, and I'm the author of The Next Conversation: How to Argue Less and Talk More.

Our response to arguments is downright biological. When somebody says, "I disagree," our body naturally reacts. And it says to our brain, "Hey, we didn't like that. Brain, did you like that?" And the brain goes, "No, we didn't like that." We get tense— maybe a scowl. We hold our breath. We keep it really tight and really shallow. Why? Because our body is honestly ready to run. It's ready to act. It's your fight or flight. We try to fight people with our words. Instead of throwing a rock at them, we say something hurtful. Opposite side of that is you might experience it as your flight. All of a sudden, you want to leave the room. I'm out of here. You want to hang up the phone. Every opinion that doesn't agree with you, it cues that in. So it's a natural part of us.

But where you get the most benefit is in that moment between what they said and how you respond means everything. And when you can learn to control that moment right there, that is going to set you up for a much better conversation and a more effective communication.

Where communication goes wrong is when I'm speaking, I'm looking for what's going to control you. I'm not looking for what's going to control me. And that makes all the difference. When I start to control myself—that is the only thing I can control— but there are certain ways to do it. One is knowing already what your triggers are.

So really there are 3 types of triggers to recognize. One is a physical trigger. Meaning, somebody is doing something physically in the space where you're in that triggers you. Maybe it's a boss that's getting a little bit too close to you and trying to dominate the conversation. Maybe it's at a board meeting, and somebody's trying to point a finger at you. Any physical indication is very triggering to some people. They don't like it.

Two is psychological triggers. These are things that are internal, that have nothing to do with the physical. They might be social evaluation triggers, meaning, "Where am I in society?" This is me caring about my reputation. "Are my friends going to like me? Are they not going to like me? Is this what I need to wear? Is this how I need to do my hair?" You're constantly evaluating society, and are you going be included or not, or cast out?

Another is personal identity. Meaning, there are elements in your life that have made up your identity. If I were to tell you a certain belief that you have is wrong, most likely I'm not just saying you're wrong. I'm saying your parents are wrong. I'm saying that thing you learned when you were at camp is all wrong. And you will do anything to the point of not listening to me, just to protect that identity.

The last is loss triggers. This is a deep fear of: "What am I going to lose? Am I going to lose this loved one?" Not in the fact of: "Are they going to exist or not?" It's: "Are they going to abandon me?" Usually triggers fear of abandonment. "Am I going to be alone? Does nobody want to be with me? Am I going to lose my reputation? Lose my job? Lose my sense of security?"

We all are sensitive to these little triggers in everyday conversation. No matter the subject, there is always a trigger that can be pulled on. And the more you know, and recognize your own triggers, the better you are at recognizing the triggers of other people. You start to see the person behind the person that you're talking to, and that's going to lead to better communication.

There is a guiding principle of good communication, and if there's anything you remember, I hope it's this: When you go into conversation, have something to learn, not something to prove. Whenever you get triggered, and you see the triggers of other people, when you try to prove them wrong, bad things happen.

So instead of the "I don't understand how you could ever think that," you get to the question of "I wonder where this is coming from." Instead of, "That's not what I said," you say, "What did you hear? What am I saying that's upsetting you?" And instead of the "Why can't you come my way?" you begin to ask questions about "How did this happen?" or "Help me unravel the knot." I've even said it before in conversation, "Help me unravel this knot." Instead of seeing arguments as something to win, see them as something to unravel. Because an argument is simply a window into another person's struggle.