Purging Apple

“Apple has been sanitizing its app store with the zeal of a ’50s-era television-commercial housewife. Sexually provocative, sexually suggestive and sexually reminiscent apps have been purged from the store, reassuring consumers that they’ll never have to see a bikini again, provided they stare intently at the app store for the rest of their lives and don’t turn on a TV or anything. Also, as long as they don’t download the Sports Illustrated app — it hasn’t been scrubbed from Apple’s store, presumably because the models are professional bikini athletes competing in the National Bikini League. There is a great deal of speculation about Apple’s motives. Some theorize that the company is caving to pressure from parents’ groups; others think Apple is trying to get the upcoming iPad into schools, homes and churches. One source reports that Apple discovered that if the constant influx of racy apps wasn’t stopped, 90 percent of the apps on the store would be bikini-themed, with another 9 percent being fart-tastic. The truth is much more altruistic than that. A source at Apple, who chose to remain both anonymous and fictional, explained to me that Apple is making the purge because ‘you really shouldn’t pay for porn.’”