What if everything you’ve heard about managing emotions is wrong? Psychologist and author Ethan Kross challenges popular emotional advice, like the idea that venting is always helpful or that we should avoid emotions at all costs. He explains that regulation isn’t about quick fixes or staying in the moment constantly. Instead, it’s about building a flexible toolkit.

ETHAN KROSS: There are many common beliefs about emotion regulation that I think are more accurately characterized as myths rather than truths.

One myth: Venting is helpful.

We know that venting your emotions can be really good for strengthening the friendship and relational bonds between people. But we also know that if all you do is vent about a problem in a conversation, you often leave that conversation feeling worse or just as bad as you started.

So venting doesn't lead long-term to effective outcomes.

Another myth: Avoidance is always toxic.

You don't have to choose between either always avoiding or always approaching your emotions. Being flexible in that way can be useful.

Giving your psychological immune system some time to temper the emotional response. You then come back to the problem. And you either find that the problem isn't as big as it felt initially, or you can approach it from a calmer and more deliberate point of view.

We often hear that we should strive as much as possible to live in the moment. This is a directive that I fear we have taken to an extreme.

The human mind didn't evolve to be perpetually in the moment. It evolved to travel in time.

Going into the future allows me to simulate and plan. It also allows me to fantasize about the good experiences that lie on the horizon.

I can also go back in time to learn from the mistakes that I've made, so I don't repeat them again. I can also go back in time to savor past positive experiences.

Most of our experiences follow a specific time course. We live our lives. Something happens. Our emotions get triggered, and then as time goes on, they eventually fade.

Now, when we are experiencing intense emotions, we often lose sight of the fact that as time goes on, we're going to feel better.

We are so hungry for one-size-fits-all solutions. That's simply not how emotion regulation works.

You want to show up for every situation with a phenomenal toolbox of skills. And that's where science can guide us.