This content is locked. Please login or become a member.
Many people believe charisma is a gift. It’s that special something, that je ne sais quoi that some people just have that makes them stand out, that makes them magnetic. But what research shows is that charisma is very learnable. It’s actually a set of skills. It’s your approach to other people. It’s the way that you behave. In particular, it’s your ability to stay present with people. In order to be successful, people often think they have to constantly be achieving, constantly going from one thing to the next, crossing things off of their to-do list. But as a consequence, they’re not in the present moment. So what research on charisma shows is that highly charismatic people are people who are able to be so fully present with other people. And that’s what it leads to — that incredible connection and that influence that they have.
Be empathic
We live in an age where very few people have time for one another. And oftentimes, you’ll be in a conversation with someone, and they just don’t have time for you. And even if they do, their mind is elsewhere, you can tell. They’re checking their phone. Their eyes are flitting around. And research shows that when people’s eyes are flitting around, they really are truly not present with you cognitively either. And that’s why one of the main features of charisma is the ability to be empathic. By empathic, I mean being able to mirror back to someone what it is that they’re feeling. So you see someone who looks tired or someone who looks down, to really be able to register that, you need to be present. And in order for them to feel that presence also, you need to be able to mirror back to them what you see or what you hear.
So for example, if you’re speaking to a colleague or an employee who’s trying to explain to you something — whether it’s work-related or personally related — if you are able to verbalize back to them what they’re saying to you, that will allow them to feel heard in a very deep way. It’ll also help clarify any miscommunications that might be happening, and they could help clarify what they mean. Another way is to engage the other person through eye contact. When they’re saying something, you can nod your head so that they feel like they’re being heard. Similarly, you want to adopt a posture that is friendly and open, but also that mimics their posture. So you don’t want to take an expansive, powerful posture. You want to really be there in a way that mirrors them, that doesn’t signal too much authority or distance. You want to be open rather than closed, for example.
Exude self-confidence
Self-confidence. We often think of it as something very innate that has to do with your pride in yourself. But self-confidence is actually the ability to be yourself completely. And when you’re fully present with another person — you’re so engaged with them that you’re not worrying about yourself — you can actually completely be yourself. And authenticity is one of the most magnetic qualities that someone can have because you can very easily perceive when someone has either a defense wall up. You can also see when people are putting on airs or trying to look a certain way. Most people can see through that. When somebody is completely authentic, it’s very disarming. And that genuineness helps them feel like they can be themselves, as well.
Attune to the room
One of the most salient features of charisma is the feeling by the listener that they’re the only person in the room and that you really and authentically care about them. So I would say that one of the biggest aspects of charisma is the ability to care for other people, to be in service to them, to have — at the forefront of your mind — their best interest first. When you’re fully present with your audience or with a person you’re with, you can learn to really address them according to their needs and wants, for example.
So let’s say you’re speaking to an audience that is not very literate, for example, or you’re speaking to a highly-educated crowd. How do you reach both crowds? It’ll be in a different way. When you’re fully present with them, and you’re fully engaged with their reactions, and you’re fully attuned with the room, then you really are able to communicate in a way that will also be heard and will resonate.